( Siren )
Officer !
I never even noticed That stop sign
Until i heard Your siren go off.
Thank you... So much, for Pointing that out to me.
Okay !
Here's my license, Me when i was younger.
You know what they're doing now At the motor vehicle place ?
They're doing group photos !
I had to argue with the woman Just to get my own shot !
I don't know why I'm trying to make you laugh.
I'm trying to Change the mood here,
'Cause you seem so Intent on this whole...
ticket thing.
You know officer, We're both professionals,
I am a psychiatrist,
You enforce the law.
Can't we... Work something out here ?
By the way, that is A great color for you !
But dad, You're a therapist.
Why didn't you Play with his mind ?
I used Reverse psychology,
I didn't Play with His mind.
You used it On yourself ?
Oh, no !
You're an idiot !
There's so many things That i could've said to him,
I just Wasn't thinking.
At the time, You get nervous, You panic.
The trick is to put them On the defense, you know ?
"Why haven't you caught me Other times, officer ?"
Ha, ha, ha !
I've been going through That stop sign for 5 years,
But you don't Think of that, then.
Starting a day like that-- It's humiliating.
It's what it is.
It's just a ticket.
It's a ticket, but... I'm on display.
Everyone sees me, They're driving by,
They're laughing, And pointing...
Dad, that's not because You're getting the ticket.
You don't think ?
No.
What could it Possibly be ?
Honestly ?
Yeah, and this Might be the most
Important thing You ever say.
Well, i'm pointing And laughing now.
The thing is, you're Guilty until proven innocent
When you Get a ticket.
People are Looking at you,
Their assumption is That you've done Something bad--
Well, you violated The traffic law.
No, i contend that i Couldn't see the stop sign.
It was obscured By the tree.
You've never stopped At that stop sign ?
If i have, it's Just been a coincidence.
It doesn't Look good.
I mean, if we Go to court,
If we contest This ticket--
I'm not gonna spend A day of my life
Contesting a $75 driving ticket.
But do you know what a ticket Does to your insurance ?
It ups the Premiums by, uh...
Hundreds of Dollars a year.
Is that true ?
Um-hmm.
Can i wear this ?
You know, I'm just, i just...
I don't know, dr. Katz...
Just tell me How to be, that's all.
I come here,
I just want somebody To tell me how to be.
Well, jann...
Some people have Their act together.
I went to these People's house and
They had picture frames With pictures in them.
They're just Flaunting it.
They had sushi wrappers And they made sushi,
They invited me over for sushi, And they made their sushi !
Well, you can Do that, jann.
All i have is A knife that i stole
From "houlihan's" 10 years ago.
When's that part Of my life gonna start,
When i have it together ?
I think that part Of your life will begin
When you return The knife !
Nothing helps, even Ginkgo biloba doesn't help me.
I love their work You know,
But, uh...
I'm not giving up, Though, dr. Katz,
'Cause i've been to So many different therapists,
I think that's A pattern too.
You know, Leaving people,
Abandoning situations and Not giving it enough time.
Don't you think ?
Dr. Katz, Are you listening ?
Yeah.
But it doesn't Seems like you care.
What i'm looking for Is conviction...
Point of view.
Maybe i need A cheerleader.
Do you know any cheerleaders That are now therapists ?
I know they were Heading in that direction.
I don't know if they Made it all the way.
But what kinds of experiences Have you had in therapy ?
Well, i had this one therapist, This french therapist,
He said to me,
"You can have sex With whoever you want !
You can have sex with Whoever you want !"
And i said, "but pierre, Does that mean you ?"
"But of course !"
And i go, "i don't know !
"But i shouldn't Pay for it, should i ?
This doesn't seem right !"
And then he says, "That's the best part !"
It was kind of sick, Don't you think ?
I stopped going To that guy.
That'll teach him.
I was driving, Running a little late...
Yeah.
And i see a sign That says
"Caution, small Children playing"
So i slow down,
And then it Occurs to me
I'm not Afraid of small children.
Yeah ?
That's funny !
Dr. Katz ?
I would love to sit here and Listen to your jokes all day,
But i have to go.
Why do you Have to go ?
I have to go To the dentist.
This is 3 times In one week.
I'm a little concerned,
Is there a condition that's Requiring this much treatment,
Is there anything I can do ?
No.
Is he doing Some serious work ?
Umm... No.
'Cause you don't seem to be Uncomfortable or in pain.
Well...
Do you have a...
Sweet tooth for The dentist, maybe ?
That's such a Corny way to put it...
Oh my god !
Do i hear the pitter-patter Of little "hygieneses" ?
Yeah, i know, I know.
I'm glad that you're Cultivating this relationship,
It's sounds wonderful.
But, i wish you Wouldn't do it
During office hours, I guess, is concern.
Why do you see him Only during the daytime ?
Why don't you guys--
I don't know !
I've been Wondering That myself.
I think you have The right to know.
I think i have The right to know !
What are you Talking 'bout ?
This is the classic symptom Of the married man.
This is a Guy who's...
Who's got family and kids In the suburbs, and--
Dr. Katz, you Don't know that !
I just don't Want you to get hurt !
Dr. Katz, i can Take care of myself,
I don't need you Looking out for me.
Laura, i enjoy Looking out for you.
I've taken you under my wing From the very start.
Granted, it's a little Damp under there, but still...
Dad !
( Dr. Katz ) Hi, ben !
I went to The stop sign,
And it's partially Obscured by leaves !
I told you.
So, i took a photo,
And if we can get Ourselves a good lawyer,
You... Can get out of This ticket, no problem.
I'm not gonna Hire a lawyer For a $75 ticket.
Dad, you don't even Need to get a lawyer, honestly.
What do you mean ?
I will take This case myself.
I don't think i can afford Your services in this situation.
Dad, look,
You don't have to Pay me unless we win.
I can put you in a Retainer or something ?
No, if i take A commission--
Oh, you'll get A piece of the 75 bucks ?
No, you don't Get 75 bucks,
But i'm also gonna Throw on a civil suit.
That's very, very Civil of you ben, but...
Well, i mean, i'm gonna sue The police officer for, uh...
Emotional distress ?
Emotional distress And future earnings.
We got a case Against these people.
They harassed you !
Yeah ?
Did he touch you ?
He didn't touch me, But he looked at me funny.
You know, this is gonna be No problemo then for me.
I-i-i don't wanna Do this, ben.
I'm sorry.
Hmm, that's too bad.
That really is too bad.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry i'm Disappointing you.
Nah, you don't have to Keep apologizing, you know ?
You're doing it.
I'm not !
You are, I sent in the ticket.
Did not !
Yes, i did,
And i checked off On the back of the ticket
That we'll Be going to court.
Can't we go to a movie Or something, instead ?
After !
My parents Are always performing...
Around the house.
They were A comedy team.
They would go off Into this other room,
My sister and i would sometimes Hear them arguing,
Yelling and screaming, Calling each other names.
Then they'd come out And they'd be laughing,
The sketch went very well, "The angry sketch".
I'm sure it was Very confusing,
Not knowing Where the...
Comedy ended and The reality began.
There were no boundaries, That was the problem,
There were no boundaries.
I heard you.
So it was confusing For you, i'm sure !
They weren't around a lot 'Cause they were out doing
"Courtship of eddie's father" Episodes
Or something like that.
In the summertime We'd go out
And hang out On the sets of tv shows.
And that was Kind of traumatic,
Because these young Actors were very, uh...
Combative and they were really Not nice-- a lot of them.
Like that kid from "Courtship of eddie's father"
Uh-huh.
Eddie ?
I had a candy bar, So he came up to me and
He just knocked the Candy bar out of my hand.
Like in the show of... ( Blank )
I'm sure that child actor Is very territorial.
Territorial, very
And then Just walked away,
And made it clear that You don't mess with eddie !
I think that is clear,
You don't Mess with eddie !
Uh-huh.
So they were not Traditional parents.
They made My sister and i...
They kinda pushed Our performing instincts
Out to the forefront,
Like, they gave us A lot of lessons...
And she was Older than i was,
So she kinda Had a lot of advantage,
Plus, for a long time She used to tell me
That she was a witch !
And i believed that, For years !
She would Do things like,
She'd sneak in my room In the middle of the night and
Cut off a lock of my hair And paste it on a rock
That she'd drawn A smiley face on.
Oldest trick In the book.
We both took Violin lessons.
The trade-off For the violin lessons was
When my parents would co-host The mike douglas show,
They'd bring us on, And we'd play "chopsticks",
On the mike douglas show, On the violin.
"Chopsticks" on the violin Sounds very difficult.
It's hard to play Anything on the violin--
Yeah.
Especially when You're 8, okay ?
And you're not Musically inclined.
It's not a good memory.
Everybody, regardless Of what kind of Background they have,
Has memories From their childhood
That are unhappy.
But most people don't have Their bad memories on videotape.
Now, they do, Actually.
They're just not On "nick at nite".
I bought a pair of Fake glasses today for court.
Why ?
It looks good When you're, umm...
In the middle of Grilling the police officer
When he's On the stand...
Yeah.
I take off my glasses
And i slowly wipe the lenses With my shirt
And that is the sign Of a lawyer...
With confidence.
Uh-huh.
Then i would Put them back on
And watch that guy Cry like a baby.
Yeah.
Tonight, when you Get home, after work,
We're gonna Have to go through
Exactly how you're Gonna respond
In a courtroom situation.
You wanna try A little right now ?
Yes, hit me with the Worst possible question
I might be asked.
Then i'm gonna Hit you hard !
Go ahead !
Isn't it true, Dr. Katz ?!
Isn't it ?!
Ha, ha, ha !
Answer the question !!
Yes or no ?
Uh... I...
"I-i..." What ?
What do you have something Stuck in your throat
'Cause you're a liar ?
I don't understand The question.
You don't understand ?!
That's correct.
Your honor, he Doesn't understand !
Okay, ben--
Ladies and gentlemen Of the court,
He doesn't understand !
You don't--
Hey, laura ! Hi !
How ya' doing ? Fine.
You notice the, uh... Confident posture
That i now have ?
Not really.
You don't notice the way I'm holding myself ?
Chest out, thighs out, Feet out,
Everything Pretty much out.
Uh-hmm.
It's confidence, laura.
I realized walking around The city today,
That... If you Look confident,
Um-hmm.
People think You're confident.
Ever hear the Expression,
"You've got to fake, It to make it" ?
I don't know.
When you Exude confidence,
People believe you.
Like, for instance, Right now...
Uh-huh ?
I came in with A lot of confidence,
I walked up to the desk With a lot of confidence--
No, you didn't.
Then i look... Confident--
I look the part.
No, you don't.
Baby, let me finish.
You and me are gonna Go out tonight
No, we're not.
We're gonna go out.
No, we're not.
You know what I'm gonna do ?
I'm gonna take you To the movies.
No, you're not.
I'm gonna take you To dinner, afterwards.
And then after that ?
Who knows.
But we're Gonna go out.
You know what I'm saying ?
Nope.
Really ?
Really.
Is that true ?
Yes.
Is that, uh... You really mean, "no" ?
Yes, i do.
Let me, uh... Let me come back.
See, i just wanna Be more aggressive
And it's hard to be A woman and be aggressive,
Unless you're A basketball player.
Like the women Basketball players,
They can be really Tough and aggressive.
In fact, they have to be !
You can't play Basketball like a girl
And expect to win.
You'd be in the Middle of the game...
"Tina, i'm over here !
"Pass the ball !
"Ow, god ! It was too hard !
Huh ? Nothing, I'm fine, let's just go !"
But those Basketball-player girls,
Nobody ever Criticizes them,
Everyone's just like...
"Yeah, i slam-dunked That ( beep ) !"
And they're like,
"Oh, wow, She's really tough !"
But i act like that And they're like,
"Oh, she's too aggressive !"
I would love To talk about
The power of your false Confidence all day--
Well, the only reason--
But i have to go.
You gotta leave ?
Yeah, i'm going To the dentist.
Who's your dentist ?
Umm... Why ? Do you know him ?
No, i'm just asking.
Why are you Being so defensive ?
'Cause i can't Remember his name right now !
The only reason I asked is 'cause,
The dentist that My dad and i see is senile.
Yeah ?
He keeps filling The same filling,
I don't wanna Say anything.
Hmmmm.
Take a look at it, It's huge.
And my dad says, "You know, jann,
"I don't remember that You had such a bad childhood,
"I don't know what you're Complaining about.
"I took you To baseball games.
"I bought you ice cream.
"I laced up your shoes That one time,
"And then there was A graduation of some sort.
I don't know what you're Complaining about !"
Nothing ! What's going on ?
Nothing, i just Can't really...
We just had lunch A couple of times--
Do you like him ?
Yeah, he's okay, I don't know--
How many times have you Seen this gentleman ?
Four...
Four times ?
That's a lot !
It's not that much, It's just lunch,
I don't really know.
You only see him During lunch ?
Oh, uh...
Why would you only Have lunch with the guy ?
I've been busy !
But laura, it just Strikes me as odd.
You've been out With the guy four times,
It's only been lunch, What does that mean ?
Don't you have Anything to do ?
Four lunches and No dinners yet !
Ben, how many lunch dates Have you had, this year ?
The point is, laura,
If i went out With a woman--
Let's say, i had Two lunches.
Is this all In one day ?
Let me finish.
I go out for two lunches With a woman, right ?
The next one, the third,
I'd say, "Let's have dinner".
If i said, "Let's have lunch again"...
Yes ?
Awkward.
Something's wrong.
I am suspicious.
God, why does everything Have be an investigation ?
Do you know What i'm saying ?
I don't wanna Talk about it anymore !
I have to go !
Fine, if you don't Wanna talk about it !
Bye !
We should Have lunch !
Laura !
We'll do Lunch, lunch, lunch !
I'm just so tired Of exercising,
Don't you think If you do it enough times,
It should stay ?
I think 5,000 sit-ups should be, Pretty much, permanent !
( Dr. Katz ) Sure, that's plenty !
Do you belong to Some kind of health club ?
I belong to A health club,
But i don't like Going there,
Because they always have Those big weightlifter guys.
They always act like you Don't know what you're doing,
They come up To you and...
"Hey, i've been Checking you out Over there
"For... Quite some time, Let me ask you something,
Where did you learn how To do all those exercises ?"
Then you're gonna go, "Well, i don't know,
"My boyfriend Was a weightlifter,
"And i looked at a couple of Pictures in the magazines and Stuff, hhh...
"I don't even know How i got here !
Will you Buy me something ?"
I noticed you haven't Been going to the, uh...
Dentist lately, laura.
I'm just wondering If that means things are...
That all his Work is done ?
Well, my teeth Are great...
If that's what You're wondering.
Just wondered if things Didn't pan out
The way you were hoping.
Well, i didn't really Have any expectation.
Sometimes that's The best way
To go into A relationship,
Because that way you Can't be disappointed.
Hmmm.
Were you Disappointed ?
No.
See what i mean ?
I'm sure It's difficult
To be in a relationship With somebody where...
They're not available To you 100%
Where they have, um...
What's the expression I'm looking for ?
Wife and kids ?
Dr. Katz, That wasn't it.
No, what was it ?
It's just that He always...
He really Liked my teeth.
Sure, he did.
He always was... Asking me to smile.
Not the guy for you-- That's all.
Umm, no.
You can always tell
How long somebody's Been in a relationship
By how much they can move Their mouth when they talk.
You know how at first, You're all happy and free...
"Ahh, i'm just so... It's so fun to be around you !
"Ha, hah !
"You're funny And you're so sweet !
Ha, haa !"
And then month by month,
All the muscles in your body Start contracting and...
They work their way up Through the neck into the jaw.
Pretty soon you Be talking like this,
"I said i wanted A sandwich !"
My parents have been Together for so long
And there's so much built-up Hostility and resentment.
They can't even chew !
They just sit in their "La-z-boy" chairs
With straws In their mouths.
And my mom could Barely get her words out--
"Your father and i have Been together for 40 years.
And we have worked very hard To spread that joy on to you."
I'm on my own now.
I'm single, Which is good for me.
The last break-up went through So many different ups and downs
The last time, she went off With a stuntman.
What am i supposed To do with that ?
Well, i think--
I direct movies,
I have to deal with these People, all the time.
So i found myself Just resenting these men.
And they're all Like a fraternity,
Like a secret association,
Where they all hang out And break beer bottles
And wear jeans and stuff.
Yeah.
The last movie i did,
I think i really took it out On this one stuntman,
I made him jump off of This 100-foot tower.
And that wasn't In the script !
Maybe, maybe it's Time to let go.
I just want to have A really...
Healthy relationship With myself... First.
I was reading This book that said,
The person who i'm gonna Spend the most time with
For the rest of my life, Is... Hello ?
Over here ?
That's a long title !
I feel like i come in here and Say the same thing every week,
Week after week, After week !
Oooops !
You know what The music means, Our time is up !
I don't hear anything !
I didn't Hear anything.
Hit that thing over there Couple of times.
( Music starts )
Ahh... There, There it is !
Yeah, phew !
This is our moment Of truth ben, you feel, uh...
I feel alright !
I have to tell you,
I'm a little anxious About this whole thing !
Because they throw all this Legal mumbo jumbo at you--
I will take Care of that !
Oh, god !
Dad, relax !
I cannot !
This is gonna Be fine !
I'm on the verge Of hysteria,
I'm afraid i'm gonna Start laughing in there !
Ha, ha, ha !
That'll be so bad !
You can't Do that !
If there's one thing you have To have for the court--
It's respect.
Believe me, i got Plenty of that.
I think we have Enough here to go on
To win this case !
I have over... 300 photos
Of the stop sign.
Now, when the Jury deliberates
Short time good, Long time good ?
I can't remember Which is which.
In this kind of case,
I think short time Is good for us.
There is no jury, You idiot, in traffic court.
I'm sorry, i didn't Realize there's no jury !
I have to be hard On you now in the car
Before we get there and You start making mistakes !
Okay, don't make me cry In front of the judge.
You know what, actually It's not a bad thing.
Can you Cry on cue ?
Yeah.
Lets see it.
( Weak sobbing )
Dad !
Don't cry like That in court !
Okay !
What about One of these !
Waahh !
Ha, ha, ha !
I don't think that would Work either !
And then i'll pull out A bottle and feed you.
It will look weird, But it might work !
Ha ! Ha ! Ha !
We will Plead insanity !
That's what we'll do !
We'll get Away with it !
They'll just say "Get out !"
( Siren )
Dad ?
Pull over !
You gotta be kidding.
No, just let me do All the talking, please ?
Oh my god, I forgot my wallet.
Dad, i don't Have my license !
Tell me that's Not true.
Dad, switch with me !
I'm not gonna do that, Then he will see us
And we'll both Be in trouble !
He won't see it !
No !
Duck down !
You'll crush me !
Well, go low !
No !
Dad, i don't have my...
I'm screwed Without the license !
Tell him that you thought I was gonna be driving--
Give me your license !
No !
Hello, officer !
How are you ?
Don't try To explain...
What you don't do is Whisper in front of him.
Can i do All the talking ?!
No, nothing, This is my dad !
Good morning officer !
Hi, how are you ?
Dr. Katz !
What i don't have, Officer, is my license !
I do have a license, But i just didn't bring it
'Cause i don't...
I meant to get One of those wallets
With the chain Connected to the belt...
But haven't got the time To get that yet...
Tell him that you weren't Planning on driving.
Yes, and i also-- 'Cause my dad got nauseous...
About a minute ago, So we switched.
Look at the Poor guy !
That's right officer, I'm feeling a little nauseous !
Look at How old he is ! Yeah.